Am I really writing this?

This is a hard post to write. I’ve been sick and absolutely exhausted for a week now & it seems like vertigo is kicking in because of the ear and it sucks.

I’m not sure if I can put it into words properly but im going to try.

I follow the people I do on social media because I adore them and what they do. I wish for good things for good people.

I’m finding myself overwhelmed by just not feeling good enough. I’ve blogged, vlogged, streamed, created & designed (admittedly this past year and a half has been sparse). I’ve started to wonder just what I’ve not got that everyone else seems to have.

I post and someone else does similar after and they get the sales, the likes, the respect, the follows or whatever it happens to be. I tell myself “we’re all at different stages”, I do the pep talk and keep going….it happens again. I’m really starting to feel completely useless. I felt this way even when I was being consistent in getting things done but now it’s just suffocating.

I know a lot of it is being brought on from the changes that started happening in February of 2017. The people who blindsided me (who had done it in some ways before) really took huge pieces of me in every way this last time. I know they don’t deserve the power or the attention. I can’t shake the inadequacies they stirred up and it’s eating me alive.

I want to be the creative, producing, fun loving quirky gal I used to be. I think she might be gone and all the shiny things don’t seem to be helping get her attention.

I don’t want to be dancing with this weight of depression and inadequacies with doubts rasing through my head. I don’t want to not be inspired by all the amazingly creative and beautiful people and things in the world.

I want to be valued and appreciated for what I do. To be able to live from it and have savings and able to pay my own way. To love life again and be proud of myself and the things I do.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Sorry for dropping my innards out here. I’m grateful for the support and love I do get. And please know how much it means to me when you just lurk in the livestream or when you’re able to purchase a tee or sticker that I created. It’s nowhere enough for me to be able to live off of yet or even pay a bill but I appreciate it all and I really am trying to keep it all going and more.

au revoir

xo

I

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