The one I didn’t want to write

There are photos that might be difficult included in this blog post, please be advised.

Two months ago, Sunday March 15, my dad passed away. He’d not been responsive for two days and took his last breath late into the afternoon.

We were blessed to have him pass the day after the pandemic rules started for the hospice, and well before the complete lockdown began. He didn’t want to die alone and he didn’t, my mom my bestie and I were with him.

March 6, 2020 in hospital

We knew it was going to happen sooner than later but it wasn’t supposed to be that fast. We had plans on building a new shed and yard work for the summer. On things that needed to be done. He wasn’t ready to go and I wasn’t ready to let him. It was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate and shocking at how fast.

The last photo of my dad ever, taken moments after he passed. March 15, 2020 in hospice.

I find myself more lost than I though I’d be. I thought I was prepared. It’s overwhelming at all that has to be done. I’d taken on most of his duties and chores but this is all so different. I find myself ready to ask about a recipe or where something is and it stops me cold when I remember he isn’t here to ask.

If I’d known the last time we had a chatter that he was lucid enough to be the one doing most of the talking was the last one like that, I’d of asked so much more. If the last time he held my hand was it, I’d of not of let go so easily.

He’s home with us now after cremation.

I’m happy he’s not in pain anymore. I hope he’s moved on to something or somewhere better. But I miss him. His curiosity. His inventiveness. His cooking. His teasing even. I’m glad he saw some tiny success in my life but I feel like I let him down. I wanted him to see me be successful in my businesses with good money coming in, and secure in the fact I could look after myself and my mom. I feel like I failed him, I could have done more and been more while he was still around to see it. Ugh!

I can’t imagine our first Fathers Day or his birthday, both coming soon. And what’s their first anniversary going to be like for my mom next month. All the little milestones. All the bad jokes. All the good times. I know we’ll get through it all but how much nicer it’d be if he were here to go through it all with us.

I’m working on getting my bearings and adjusting to all the new responsibilities. I’m sorry I’ve been AFL (away from life), I’m working on finding a new normal. Thanks for sticking with me through it all.

au revoir

xo

I

P.S. Please do not take or use these photos for any reason. They are not for use (personal or otherwise) by anyone but me.

Life Inbetween

So today we got the news we knew was coming but didn’t want to hear. The doctors have given my father 3 months. Well, 6 would be a miracle and at any point if he has another breathing issue.

I guess in some ways it’s easier knowing than him just not being alive one day, hit by a bus or heart attack or something shockingly sudden. It’s hard though, knowing basically when because we all know death is inevitable and it’s going to happen, but having that date on it is almost unbearable. And having to keep up a front because he doesn’t know is even more so.

So perhaps I should tell you what might kill him first? Infection, one of a few. Pneumonia, which he’s had 3 times since November. Or dehydration because he’s had more going out than coming in, though this is the least likely. The currently in a three way tie with infection and pneumonia is the main villain in it all, lung cancer. And somehow I thought he’d beat it too.

I say too because this is his third time technically. All the previous ones each time the doctors said his chances were bad. They were really small miracles at how he fought and recovered. The first took his right shoulder blade and the muscle around it. He almost died from blood loss after he came home when his wound opened. The second esophagus, the surgery taking his stomach with it because of complications. He almost died that time with the infection because they missed cleaning out all the tissue.

Then there was an initial spot on a lung that they got. And then in November of 2018 it came back. He had the first third of 2019 doing chemo because radiation wasn’t an option. And then it started going downhill. The feeling in his hands and feet went because of the chemo. It stopped working because he couldn’t move around to circulate it. And then the infections started. And last Wednesday it was really the beginning of the end.

He had a reaction to a new medication. He bottomed out, couldn’t breath and was beyond erratic. We couldn’t do anything to fix it and 911 to the hospital was the only option. And he’s been there dealing with all the fallout of it.

And now we deal with the fallout of it. Of knowing things we wish we didn’t have to know. Trying to hold our broken hearts together. Keeping it as normal as we can to keep the unfortunate truth from from the person who is carrying and battling enough already.

Please don’t go without saying things to the people in your life, one day it’s going to be too late.

Please forgive my absence in all my things. I’ll try to be around as much as I can for the next while.

au revoir

xo

I

It’s just…

It’s just exhausting, heartbreaking, time consuming, and so much more than I can put into words.

I had plans for 2020. The things the year has given me is not at all what I wanted. I had a visit from my bestie December and January but come the start of February they had to leave and go back home. And as always when they leave, it breaks my freaking heart.

I began the new year flat on my back, and not in the fun way, with my back injury flaring up. It was a long month and I’m still not fully back to my normal. I also somehow managed to get a sinus thing that won’t go away, which leaves me thinking sinusitis because the past few years have all been like this.

The big thing is my dad. His illness is beginning to literally eat him alive. I spend most of my day with him then go to deal with the house and yard work and of course making sure my mom is looked after through all of it. It is beyond anything he can fight and it’s the beginning of the end. It’s really difficult watching the man I’ve known my whole life as strong and someone nothing could get in his way be steamrolled by cancer. He’s fought 3 times and it might not even be the cancer that does it. It’s unfair to all of us losing him like this, and it’s beyond unfair to him to have to go like this.

So folks that is why I’ve been MIA. I’ll do what I can to keep up with things with you and for you. Thanks for sticking through this with me.

au revoir

xo

I

Best year start ever

…..not!

As you may have guessed this has not been the start to the year I was looking for ( to paraphrase a well known Star Wars line ).

My back injury flared up literally when I woke up January 1st!! How rude! As usual with no rhyme or reason. I’m just getting to the point where movement isn’t completely agonizing and nearly possible. It’s been way too long and I’m getting irritated at how much I’ve been kept from doing with it. I know I should be used to it, I mean it’s happened before, but every time I go through this. I’m super happy I didn’t lose the ability to walk, like I have twice before. Or that it seems to be passing in less than a month or two, which it’s taken that long before. I just hate leaving things and y’all in a lurch.

I look forward to sitting up and getting back into things. Of course I haven’t been completely empty handed. I’ve been working on ideas for the upcoming thing I mentioned but didn’t. I’ve also started 2 new Instagrams um.yeah.lol and thoughtsperations and their respective twitters um.yeah.lol and thoughtsperations . Why I’ve added to everything I’ll never be able to tell you but I do really enjoy it all.

I have so many ideas to get out in the shops and I’m so looking forward to seeing y’all in the streams as well. Thanks for being so patient!

au revoir

xo

I

Catching Up

So it’s been an okay month.

I’ve gotten back into a streaming schedule. I have only 3 scheduled but I as a rule end up having more. I like the flexibility of being able to pop in as time allows without having to potentially adjust or cancel. I will likely add a day to the schedule and perhaps adjust start time. I’ll keep you posted on that. As always Twitch is where to find me.

I’ve been working on new designs..

These are all currently available in my KalamityRaine redbubble. The Appalachia Awaits is a limited time design, so grab it on whatever you need it on before it’s gone.

I will be reopening the redbubble hub and it will have all of the availabile designs from the individual shops so you can one stop shop. And if you prefer to browse by genre, the individual shops remain open. It offers quick or relaxed browsing options. And of course new designs (some limited time) are coming to all.

I will am designing new pieces for the Etsy shops. Full production won’t start until I’ve finished off the construction of the last shelves (for now) in the living area. That being said, I am bringing new creations shortly.

It’s difficult juggling everyone and everything but I’m working with what delights me in hopes it will bring the same to someone else. Insomnia, depression & injuries are always accompanying but it’s good to have faithful companions.

I hope this finds you in good humour and abundance of joy.

au revoir

xo

I

Am I really writing this?

This is a hard post to write. I’ve been sick and absolutely exhausted for a week now & it seems like vertigo is kicking in because of the ear and it sucks.

I’m not sure if I can put it into words properly but im going to try.

I follow the people I do on social media because I adore them and what they do. I wish for good things for good people.

I’m finding myself overwhelmed by just not feeling good enough. I’ve blogged, vlogged, streamed, created & designed (admittedly this past year and a half has been sparse). I’ve started to wonder just what I’ve not got that everyone else seems to have.

I post and someone else does similar after and they get the sales, the likes, the respect, the follows or whatever it happens to be. I tell myself “we’re all at different stages”, I do the pep talk and keep going….it happens again. I’m really starting to feel completely useless. I felt this way even when I was being consistent in getting things done but now it’s just suffocating.

I know a lot of it is being brought on from the changes that started happening in February of 2017. The people who blindsided me (who had done it in some ways before) really took huge pieces of me in every way this last time. I know they don’t deserve the power or the attention. I can’t shake the inadequacies they stirred up and it’s eating me alive.

I want to be the creative, producing, fun loving quirky gal I used to be. I think she might be gone and all the shiny things don’t seem to be helping get her attention.

I don’t want to be dancing with this weight of depression and inadequacies with doubts rasing through my head. I don’t want to not be inspired by all the amazingly creative and beautiful people and things in the world.

I want to be valued and appreciated for what I do. To be able to live from it and have savings and able to pay my own way. To love life again and be proud of myself and the things I do.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Sorry for dropping my innards out here. I’m grateful for the support and love I do get. And please know how much it means to me when you just lurk in the livestream or when you’re able to purchase a tee or sticker that I created. It’s nowhere enough for me to be able to live off of yet or even pay a bill but I appreciate it all and I really am trying to keep it all going and more.

au revoir

xo

I

So you like Spreadshirt…

Because I know sometimes we just like to shop in certain places, I’ve opened a Spreadshirt shop … 15% off with coupon code: welcome-100220889 at HTTPS://shop.spreadshirt.com/RaineOfIris . 

The Redbubble shop remains open and a Design by Humans shop will open soon because I know choices are good and each one has its own special items. Otherwise look forward to a blog post here and vlog on rainecaster (as well as the parapopulous podcast) heading your way soon.

au revoir

xo

I