There are photos that might be difficult included in this blog post, please be advised.
Two months ago, Sunday March 15, my dad passed away. He’d not been responsive for two days and took his last breath late into the afternoon.
We were blessed to have him pass the day after the pandemic rules started for the hospice, and well before the complete lockdown began. He didn’t want to die alone and he didn’t, my mom my bestie and I were with him.
We knew it was going to happen sooner than later but it wasn’t supposed to be that fast. We had plans on building a new shed and yard work for the summer. On things that needed to be done. He wasn’t ready to go and I wasn’t ready to let him. It was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate and shocking at how fast.
I find myself more lost than I though I’d be. I thought I was prepared. It’s overwhelming at all that has to be done. I’d taken on most of his duties and chores but this is all so different. I find myself ready to ask about a recipe or where something is and it stops me cold when I remember he isn’t here to ask.
If I’d known the last time we had a chatter that he was lucid enough to be the one doing most of the talking was the last one like that, I’d of asked so much more. If the last time he held my hand was it, I’d of not of let go so easily.
I’m happy he’s not in pain anymore. I hope he’s moved on to something or somewhere better. But I miss him. His curiosity. His inventiveness. His cooking. His teasing even. I’m glad he saw some tiny success in my life but I feel like I let him down. I wanted him to see me be successful in my businesses with good money coming in, and secure in the fact I could look after myself and my mom. I feel like I failed him, I could have done more and been more while he was still around to see it. Ugh!
I can’t imagine our first Fathers Day or his birthday, both coming soon. And what’s their first anniversary going to be like for my mom next month. All the little milestones. All the bad jokes. All the good times. I know we’ll get through it all but how much nicer it’d be if he were here to go through it all with us.
I’m working on getting my bearings and adjusting to all the new responsibilities. I’m sorry I’ve been AFL (away from life), I’m working on finding a new normal. Thanks for sticking with me through it all.
P.S. Please do not take or use these photos for any reason. They are not for use (personal or otherwise) by anyone but me.