Am I really writing this?

This is a hard post to write. I’ve been sick and absolutely exhausted for a week now & it seems like vertigo is kicking in because of the ear and it sucks.

I’m not sure if I can put it into words properly but im going to try.

I follow the people I do on social media because I adore them and what they do. I wish for good things for good people.

I’m finding myself overwhelmed by just not feeling good enough. I’ve blogged, vlogged, streamed, created & designed (admittedly this past year and a half has been sparse). I’ve started to wonder just what I’ve not got that everyone else seems to have.

I post and someone else does similar after and they get the sales, the likes, the respect, the follows or whatever it happens to be. I tell myself “we’re all at different stages”, I do the pep talk and keep going….it happens again. I’m really starting to feel completely useless. I felt this way even when I was being consistent in getting things done but now it’s just suffocating.

I know a lot of it is being brought on from the changes that started happening in February of 2017. The people who blindsided me (who had done it in some ways before) really took huge pieces of me in every way this last time. I know they don’t deserve the power or the attention. I can’t shake the inadequacies they stirred up and it’s eating me alive.

I want to be the creative, producing, fun loving quirky gal I used to be. I think she might be gone and all the shiny things don’t seem to be helping get her attention.

I don’t want to be dancing with this weight of depression and inadequacies with doubts rasing through my head. I don’t want to not be inspired by all the amazingly creative and beautiful people and things in the world.

I want to be valued and appreciated for what I do. To be able to live from it and have savings and able to pay my own way. To love life again and be proud of myself and the things I do.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Sorry for dropping my innards out here. I’m grateful for the support and love I do get. And please know how much it means to me when you just lurk in the livestream or when you’re able to purchase a tee or sticker that I created. It’s nowhere enough for me to be able to live off of yet or even pay a bill but I appreciate it all and I really am trying to keep it all going and more.

au revoir

xo

I

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End of May Updates

What a month! I can’t believe it’s been just over a year since we started the build. So much has happened and there’s still so much yet to do.

I found myself alternating personally this month between great highs and lows. I am so beyond happy about the life I’ve begun to create for myself but the cost of it in every way has been shocking. It’s hard having to pay up without steady income coming in. Some of that is on me with the lack of regular things happening and I am working on that, but depression kicks your feet out at the most inopportune times.

In terms of business stuff I’m super freaking proud of the new designs (and all designs) in my redbubble shops! I really feel beyond excited of all I’ve come up with. Not so many sales so far but I’m hoping as I keep adding new designs that will sort out. If you’re interested in my designs and available products just click here for MagpieMuddles, gmeraine & parapopulous. And don’t forget to tag me on Instagram with your purchases, cause I love to see my creations in their new homes.

The livestream for gmeraine is coming back. I’m terrified to start doing it again. I adore my rainestorm and I do miss you all, my nerves are winning right now and I’m sorry for that. I want you to know I’m trying. Sadly the parapopulous blogs and podcast are in a similar place.

Ive managed to film a bunch of stuff for the IRL rainecaster channel. It all needs to be edited and custom intros done for them. I still have a huge Makeup Revolution to swatch and film as well as an indie brand I’ve fallen in love with.

I’ve taken some amazing photos and have gotten a new tripod to assist in some of the shots. If you haven’t seen the current available photographs go visit my photography only shop. I have so many more waiting on my hard drive to list and share with you.

I want you to know how much all your support means to me and even more so over this past year. Thank you really doesn’t cover it.

au revoir

xo

I

The hopefully I remember it all post.

So I’ve been wanting to catch you up. It’s been a while and there’s still so much to do. The short version is, it’s been a hell of a year. The long version, well that’s the stuff of stories.

This has been a year of chaos and change, they go hand and hand if you didn’t know. I’m still trying to get my bearings, still trying to catch up, still trying to get momentum back. In the spirit of the new year or the really extra moon that’s happening, let’s catch up.

Huge thing is I have relocated. I spent from April of last year to August working on helping gutting and building a wee apartment out of a section of my parents house. It took a lot out of me in every way and the main reason being the deal I made with my sons father to share a house that finally went sour. He bought me out of a portion of my share of the house and I had no choice but to move, and seeing that my parents are older and have had some health issues, this seemed like the best plan. This also leads to a final and permanent separation since last year and divorce at some point this year. It’s sad to lose someone I’ve known for years but we began living separate lives a very long time ago and it’s well past time for us to officially go our separate ways. It caused so much stress and frustrations for us all and it’s taking some time to adjust and destress from it.

That is the root cause of why all my projects went missing after about April of 2017. I’d been dealing with some depression from that situation and some external friendships that had gone toxic before this and all lumped together, threw me for a loop. I haven’t really wanted to speak about it to anyone because we all know the shame game that goes on. I was so lucky to have a best friend who dropped everything to come up and help out with the build and the move and me from June until almost November. And I’ve been lucky to have supporting family if I’d just go ask for it. I also have a freakishly good son (insert the Gilmore Girls music here) who is the Rory to my Lorelai and I’m happy to say he came along on the adventure of all this change and can still be found just across the hall… new hall same people I guess hahahaha. it’s still a work in progress but all recovery is.

We’ve had some more health issues and scares including my son who at 19 got chicken pox just before Christmas and did not do well with it, having a fever at max that reached 106.5 F and had a steady around 104 F for almost a week. My dad has some more cancer stuff to deal with, but it seems like this one will be a simple and easy process thankfully. Happily these are the worst of things and they’re really not so bad seeing all we’ve been through. I’m adapting to some effects from the fall I had in June that hasn’t healed the right way but I’m hopeful it won’t affect the hands on creation of pieces I’m looking to add on and return to at some point this year.

I have had some good things in the Design by Humans shops and a sale of 2 items from redbubble as well as finally setting up a Fine Art America account to start profiting from my love of photography. I’m also learning how to use a graphics tablet and have a watercolour-ish design almost ready to release. My postcard painting I did for TAE18 is seen on much of their info! And of course there’s been new things up on my rainecaster and archives up on my gmeraine YouTube channels. I do plan on gaming and livestreaming again, I’ve been hesitant to do it because I haven’t had the right energy to do it properly as you all deserve. I miss it and look forward to dipping my toes in it this February. I’m looking at January as the free trial month, with great hopes and plans for the remainder of this year and beyond.

I’ve taken great strength from some different places…more specifically in the shows I’ve been watching: Grace and Frankie, Total Divas, Dragula, Ru Paul’s Drag Race, the Crown, The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, Gilmore Girls (yes still) and the Walking Dead. I’ve found inspiration to fight, be strong and be happy being myself from all of them.

I do plan on sharing some of the process in photos in a separate post of the renovating. It’s still got some more to go, so don’t worry that you’ve missed it all. And of course that’s another time eater there but I do plan on picking up on everything including the podcasts on Parapopulous beginning in February.

You’ll forgive me for this very personal post I hope and thanks beyond words for hanging out and supporting me in all of this past non few months, it has meant the world to me.

au revoir

xo

i

I promise this will be a sooner than later return!

P.S. There are individual shops for Parapopulous, gmeraine and raine of iris on both redbubble and Design by Humans and the links for those are in the sidebar.

Another day…

Another change. Another challenge.

So welcome y’all. I’ve decided to not further RainebowsEnd. It’s something that I think will happen eventually but I think I rushed into it and with the potential challenges on the way, I’m better off letting go of it. That being said, I did take on a YouNow for a different way to be able to interact with y’all. Yes it’s called rainecaster but its about all of my projects and everyday life. I did start a Twitter for it so people who just want to know me there can but it’s also a good thing so the notices when I go live have a place to go. I’m also going to be working on the shops this coming week. I’ve go no idea honestly where it’ll go but I want to tidy and attend to a few things.

So I’m sure you noticed the potential challenges I mentioned. I want to let those of you know who aren’t following me on Snapchat (loreleybee) or know my family, what’s going on so you can understand any delays or changes that might be happening. I do promise to keep these to a minimum but, I can’t predict right now. We found out this week that my dad has cancer again. It’s esophageal cancer this time and we won’t know until mid week how bad it is. I’m of course going to have to shift some energy and focus to that. I’ll take any good energies you want to send but I don’t want you to worry. It’s not something I wanted to share but because it will likely have some impact on my work, I felt I owed it to you.

In the meantime, Hedgey has lent me his Xbox 360 so I can throwback again. It’s great fun and my lens isn’t reading disks poperly or at all any more so I’m thrilled to have this option until I can fix mine. I’m quite delighted with the donation of funds so I could get and share Black Ops 3 with you guys too! I’m tardy to the party on it but that’s how I first got into the series so I feel good with it. I haven’t touched story yet, which is unusual for me, but I do promise to share it with you when I do. And speaking of excited…the beginnings of the DLC for Fallout 4 were announced!!! (No, I still haven’t finished the main story once LOL). If you all are curious I livestream 6 nights a week usually on Twitch and archive with other exclusives & sometime livestream to YouTube. Lurkers and chatters are equally welcome, I just ask you follow / subscribe so I know you’re liking the stream.

I haven’t forgotten about Parapopulous I promise. I’m just sorting and planning. I’ll get a new schedule up and running and of course keep you in the loop on everything here or on the Facebooks or Twitters. Right now, I have to run and start prepping for dinner tonight. Thank you all for your support!

au revoir

xo

I

p.s. I just got the app for my laptop before I posted this, so forgive any spelling or other errors as I get used to it.