The one I didn’t want to write

There are photos that might be difficult included in this blog post, please be advised.

Two months ago, Sunday March 15, my dad passed away. He’d not been responsive for two days and took his last breath late into the afternoon.

We were blessed to have him pass the day after the pandemic rules started for the hospice, and well before the complete lockdown began. He didn’t want to die alone and he didn’t, my mom my bestie and I were with him.

March 6, 2020 in hospital

We knew it was going to happen sooner than later but it wasn’t supposed to be that fast. We had plans on building a new shed and yard work for the summer. On things that needed to be done. He wasn’t ready to go and I wasn’t ready to let him. It was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate and shocking at how fast.

The last photo of my dad ever, taken moments after he passed. March 15, 2020 in hospice.

I find myself more lost than I though I’d be. I thought I was prepared. It’s overwhelming at all that has to be done. I’d taken on most of his duties and chores but this is all so different. I find myself ready to ask about a recipe or where something is and it stops me cold when I remember he isn’t here to ask.

If I’d known the last time we had a chatter that he was lucid enough to be the one doing most of the talking was the last one like that, I’d of asked so much more. If the last time he held my hand was it, I’d of not of let go so easily.

He’s home with us now after cremation.

I’m happy he’s not in pain anymore. I hope he’s moved on to something or somewhere better. But I miss him. His curiosity. His inventiveness. His cooking. His teasing even. I’m glad he saw some tiny success in my life but I feel like I let him down. I wanted him to see me be successful in my businesses with good money coming in, and secure in the fact I could look after myself and my mom. I feel like I failed him, I could have done more and been more while he was still around to see it. Ugh!

I can’t imagine our first Fathers Day or his birthday, both coming soon. And what’s their first anniversary going to be like for my mom next month. All the little milestones. All the bad jokes. All the good times. I know we’ll get through it all but how much nicer it’d be if he were here to go through it all with us.

I’m working on getting my bearings and adjusting to all the new responsibilities. I’m sorry I’ve been AFL (away from life), I’m working on finding a new normal. Thanks for sticking with me through it all.

au revoir

xo

I

P.S. Please do not take or use these photos for any reason. They are not for use (personal or otherwise) by anyone but me.

Life Inbetween

So today we got the news we knew was coming but didn’t want to hear. The doctors have given my father 3 months. Well, 6 would be a miracle and at any point if he has another breathing issue.

I guess in some ways it’s easier knowing than him just not being alive one day, hit by a bus or heart attack or something shockingly sudden. It’s hard though, knowing basically when because we all know death is inevitable and it’s going to happen, but having that date on it is almost unbearable. And having to keep up a front because he doesn’t know is even more so.

So perhaps I should tell you what might kill him first? Infection, one of a few. Pneumonia, which he’s had 3 times since November. Or dehydration because he’s had more going out than coming in, though this is the least likely. The currently in a three way tie with infection and pneumonia is the main villain in it all, lung cancer. And somehow I thought he’d beat it too.

I say too because this is his third time technically. All the previous ones each time the doctors said his chances were bad. They were really small miracles at how he fought and recovered. The first took his right shoulder blade and the muscle around it. He almost died from blood loss after he came home when his wound opened. The second esophagus, the surgery taking his stomach with it because of complications. He almost died that time with the infection because they missed cleaning out all the tissue.

Then there was an initial spot on a lung that they got. And then in November of 2018 it came back. He had the first third of 2019 doing chemo because radiation wasn’t an option. And then it started going downhill. The feeling in his hands and feet went because of the chemo. It stopped working because he couldn’t move around to circulate it. And then the infections started. And last Wednesday it was really the beginning of the end.

He had a reaction to a new medication. He bottomed out, couldn’t breath and was beyond erratic. We couldn’t do anything to fix it and 911 to the hospital was the only option. And he’s been there dealing with all the fallout of it.

And now we deal with the fallout of it. Of knowing things we wish we didn’t have to know. Trying to hold our broken hearts together. Keeping it as normal as we can to keep the unfortunate truth from from the person who is carrying and battling enough already.

Please don’t go without saying things to the people in your life, one day it’s going to be too late.

Please forgive my absence in all my things. I’ll try to be around as much as I can for the next while.

au revoir

xo

I

It’s just…

It’s just exhausting, heartbreaking, time consuming, and so much more than I can put into words.

I had plans for 2020. The things the year has given me is not at all what I wanted. I had a visit from my bestie December and January but come the start of February they had to leave and go back home. And as always when they leave, it breaks my freaking heart.

I began the new year flat on my back, and not in the fun way, with my back injury flaring up. It was a long month and I’m still not fully back to my normal. I also somehow managed to get a sinus thing that won’t go away, which leaves me thinking sinusitis because the past few years have all been like this.

The big thing is my dad. His illness is beginning to literally eat him alive. I spend most of my day with him then go to deal with the house and yard work and of course making sure my mom is looked after through all of it. It is beyond anything he can fight and it’s the beginning of the end. It’s really difficult watching the man I’ve known my whole life as strong and someone nothing could get in his way be steamrolled by cancer. He’s fought 3 times and it might not even be the cancer that does it. It’s unfair to all of us losing him like this, and it’s beyond unfair to him to have to go like this.

So folks that is why I’ve been MIA. I’ll do what I can to keep up with things with you and for you. Thanks for sticking through this with me.

au revoir

xo

I

Apologies

So you may have noticed a disappearance. I’d planned a few things and my dads health took a turn and my attentions went with it. He is doing a little better but still having issues and it’s difficult to feel helpless to do anything I feel helps.

In other notes I do still have all that planned. I’m trying to find some kind of schedule or semi schedule. I really hate that any consistency I had has vanished but I hope you all understand the circumstances behind it.

For now, I’m going to try to squeeze in some graphics.

au revoir

xo

I

Am I really writing this?

This is a hard post to write. I’ve been sick and absolutely exhausted for a week now & it seems like vertigo is kicking in because of the ear and it sucks.

I’m not sure if I can put it into words properly but im going to try.

I follow the people I do on social media because I adore them and what they do. I wish for good things for good people.

I’m finding myself overwhelmed by just not feeling good enough. I’ve blogged, vlogged, streamed, created & designed (admittedly this past year and a half has been sparse). I’ve started to wonder just what I’ve not got that everyone else seems to have.

I post and someone else does similar after and they get the sales, the likes, the respect, the follows or whatever it happens to be. I tell myself “we’re all at different stages”, I do the pep talk and keep going….it happens again. I’m really starting to feel completely useless. I felt this way even when I was being consistent in getting things done but now it’s just suffocating.

I know a lot of it is being brought on from the changes that started happening in February of 2017. The people who blindsided me (who had done it in some ways before) really took huge pieces of me in every way this last time. I know they don’t deserve the power or the attention. I can’t shake the inadequacies they stirred up and it’s eating me alive.

I want to be the creative, producing, fun loving quirky gal I used to be. I think she might be gone and all the shiny things don’t seem to be helping get her attention.

I don’t want to be dancing with this weight of depression and inadequacies with doubts rasing through my head. I don’t want to not be inspired by all the amazingly creative and beautiful people and things in the world.

I want to be valued and appreciated for what I do. To be able to live from it and have savings and able to pay my own way. To love life again and be proud of myself and the things I do.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Sorry for dropping my innards out here. I’m grateful for the support and love I do get. And please know how much it means to me when you just lurk in the livestream or when you’re able to purchase a tee or sticker that I created. It’s nowhere enough for me to be able to live off of yet or even pay a bill but I appreciate it all and I really am trying to keep it all going and more.

au revoir

xo

I

End of May Updates

What a month! I can’t believe it’s been just over a year since we started the build. So much has happened and there’s still so much yet to do.

I found myself alternating personally this month between great highs and lows. I am so beyond happy about the life I’ve begun to create for myself but the cost of it in every way has been shocking. It’s hard having to pay up without steady income coming in. Some of that is on me with the lack of regular things happening and I am working on that, but depression kicks your feet out at the most inopportune times.

In terms of business stuff I’m super freaking proud of the new designs (and all designs) in my redbubble shops! I really feel beyond excited of all I’ve come up with. Not so many sales so far but I’m hoping as I keep adding new designs that will sort out. If you’re interested in my designs and available products just click here for MagpieMuddles, gmeraine & parapopulous. And don’t forget to tag me on Instagram with your purchases, cause I love to see my creations in their new homes.

The livestream for gmeraine is coming back. I’m terrified to start doing it again. I adore my rainestorm and I do miss you all, my nerves are winning right now and I’m sorry for that. I want you to know I’m trying. Sadly the parapopulous blogs and podcast are in a similar place.

Ive managed to film a bunch of stuff for the IRL rainecaster channel. It all needs to be edited and custom intros done for them. I still have a huge Makeup Revolution to swatch and film as well as an indie brand I’ve fallen in love with.

I’ve taken some amazing photos and have gotten a new tripod to assist in some of the shots. If you haven’t seen the current available photographs go visit my photography only shop. I have so many more waiting on my hard drive to list and share with you.

I want you to know how much all your support means to me and even more so over this past year. Thank you really doesn’t cover it.

au revoir

xo

I

The hopefully I remember it all post.

So I’ve been wanting to catch you up. It’s been a while and there’s still so much to do. The short version is, it’s been a hell of a year. The long version, well that’s the stuff of stories.

This has been a year of chaos and change, they go hand and hand if you didn’t know. I’m still trying to get my bearings, still trying to catch up, still trying to get momentum back. In the spirit of the new year or the really extra moon that’s happening, let’s catch up.

Huge thing is I have relocated. I spent from April of last year to August working on helping gutting and building a wee apartment out of a section of my parents house. It took a lot out of me in every way and the main reason being the deal I made with my sons father to share a house that finally went sour. He bought me out of a portion of my share of the house and I had no choice but to move, and seeing that my parents are older and have had some health issues, this seemed like the best plan. This also leads to a final and permanent separation since last year and divorce at some point this year. It’s sad to lose someone I’ve known for years but we began living separate lives a very long time ago and it’s well past time for us to officially go our separate ways. It caused so much stress and frustrations for us all and it’s taking some time to adjust and destress from it.

That is the root cause of why all my projects went missing after about April of 2017. I’d been dealing with some depression from that situation and some external friendships that had gone toxic before this and all lumped together, threw me for a loop. I haven’t really wanted to speak about it to anyone because we all know the shame game that goes on. I was so lucky to have a best friend who dropped everything to come up and help out with the build and the move and me from June until almost November. And I’ve been lucky to have supporting family if I’d just go ask for it. I also have a freakishly good son (insert the Gilmore Girls music here) who is the Rory to my Lorelai and I’m happy to say he came along on the adventure of all this change and can still be found just across the hall… new hall same people I guess hahahaha. it’s still a work in progress but all recovery is.

We’ve had some more health issues and scares including my son who at 19 got chicken pox just before Christmas and did not do well with it, having a fever at max that reached 106.5 F and had a steady around 104 F for almost a week. My dad has some more cancer stuff to deal with, but it seems like this one will be a simple and easy process thankfully. Happily these are the worst of things and they’re really not so bad seeing all we’ve been through. I’m adapting to some effects from the fall I had in June that hasn’t healed the right way but I’m hopeful it won’t affect the hands on creation of pieces I’m looking to add on and return to at some point this year.

I have had some good things in the Design by Humans shops and a sale of 2 items from redbubble as well as finally setting up a Fine Art America account to start profiting from my love of photography. I’m also learning how to use a graphics tablet and have a watercolour-ish design almost ready to release. My postcard painting I did for TAE18 is seen on much of their info! And of course there’s been new things up on my rainecaster and archives up on my gmeraine YouTube channels. I do plan on gaming and livestreaming again, I’ve been hesitant to do it because I haven’t had the right energy to do it properly as you all deserve. I miss it and look forward to dipping my toes in it this February. I’m looking at January as the free trial month, with great hopes and plans for the remainder of this year and beyond.

I’ve taken great strength from some different places…more specifically in the shows I’ve been watching: Grace and Frankie, Total Divas, Dragula, Ru Paul’s Drag Race, the Crown, The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, Gilmore Girls (yes still) and the Walking Dead. I’ve found inspiration to fight, be strong and be happy being myself from all of them.

I do plan on sharing some of the process in photos in a separate post of the renovating. It’s still got some more to go, so don’t worry that you’ve missed it all. And of course that’s another time eater there but I do plan on picking up on everything including the podcasts on Parapopulous beginning in February.

You’ll forgive me for this very personal post I hope and thanks beyond words for hanging out and supporting me in all of this past non few months, it has meant the world to me.

au revoir

xo

i

I promise this will be a sooner than later return!

P.S. There are individual shops for Parapopulous, gmeraine and raine of iris on both redbubble and Design by Humans and the links for those are in the sidebar.

Another day…

Another change. Another challenge.

So welcome y’all. I’ve decided to not further RainebowsEnd. It’s something that I think will happen eventually but I think I rushed into it and with the potential challenges on the way, I’m better off letting go of it. That being said, I did take on a YouNow for a different way to be able to interact with y’all. Yes it’s called rainecaster but its about all of my projects and everyday life. I did start a Twitter for it so people who just want to know me there can but it’s also a good thing so the notices when I go live have a place to go. I’m also going to be working on the shops this coming week. I’ve go no idea honestly where it’ll go but I want to tidy and attend to a few things.

So I’m sure you noticed the potential challenges I mentioned. I want to let those of you know who aren’t following me on Snapchat (loreleybee) or know my family, what’s going on so you can understand any delays or changes that might be happening. I do promise to keep these to a minimum but, I can’t predict right now. We found out this week that my dad has cancer again. It’s esophageal cancer this time and we won’t know until mid week how bad it is. I’m of course going to have to shift some energy and focus to that. I’ll take any good energies you want to send but I don’t want you to worry. It’s not something I wanted to share but because it will likely have some impact on my work, I felt I owed it to you.

In the meantime, Hedgey has lent me his Xbox 360 so I can throwback again. It’s great fun and my lens isn’t reading disks poperly or at all any more so I’m thrilled to have this option until I can fix mine. I’m quite delighted with the donation of funds so I could get and share Black Ops 3 with you guys too! I’m tardy to the party on it but that’s how I first got into the series so I feel good with it. I haven’t touched story yet, which is unusual for me, but I do promise to share it with you when I do. And speaking of excited…the beginnings of the DLC for Fallout 4 were announced!!! (No, I still haven’t finished the main story once LOL). If you all are curious I livestream 6 nights a week usually on Twitch and archive with other exclusives & sometime livestream to YouTube. Lurkers and chatters are equally welcome, I just ask you follow / subscribe so I know you’re liking the stream.

I haven’t forgotten about Parapopulous I promise. I’m just sorting and planning. I’ll get a new schedule up and running and of course keep you in the loop on everything here or on the Facebooks or Twitters. Right now, I have to run and start prepping for dinner tonight. Thank you all for your support!

au revoir

xo

I

p.s. I just got the app for my laptop before I posted this, so forgive any spelling or other errors as I get used to it.