The one I didn’t want to write

There are photos that might be difficult included in this blog post, please be advised.

Two months ago, Sunday March 15, my dad passed away. He’d not been responsive for two days and took his last breath late into the afternoon.

We were blessed to have him pass the day after the pandemic rules started for the hospice, and well before the complete lockdown began. He didn’t want to die alone and he didn’t, my mom my bestie and I were with him.

March 6, 2020 in hospital

We knew it was going to happen sooner than later but it wasn’t supposed to be that fast. We had plans on building a new shed and yard work for the summer. On things that needed to be done. He wasn’t ready to go and I wasn’t ready to let him. It was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate and shocking at how fast.

The last photo of my dad ever, taken moments after he passed. March 15, 2020 in hospice.

I find myself more lost than I though I’d be. I thought I was prepared. It’s overwhelming at all that has to be done. I’d taken on most of his duties and chores but this is all so different. I find myself ready to ask about a recipe or where something is and it stops me cold when I remember he isn’t here to ask.

If I’d known the last time we had a chatter that he was lucid enough to be the one doing most of the talking was the last one like that, I’d of asked so much more. If the last time he held my hand was it, I’d of not of let go so easily.

He’s home with us now after cremation.

I’m happy he’s not in pain anymore. I hope he’s moved on to something or somewhere better. But I miss him. His curiosity. His inventiveness. His cooking. His teasing even. I’m glad he saw some tiny success in my life but I feel like I let him down. I wanted him to see me be successful in my businesses with good money coming in, and secure in the fact I could look after myself and my mom. I feel like I failed him, I could have done more and been more while he was still around to see it. Ugh!

I can’t imagine our first Fathers Day or his birthday, both coming soon. And what’s their first anniversary going to be like for my mom next month. All the little milestones. All the bad jokes. All the good times. I know we’ll get through it all but how much nicer it’d be if he were here to go through it all with us.

I’m working on getting my bearings and adjusting to all the new responsibilities. I’m sorry I’ve been AFL (away from life), I’m working on finding a new normal. Thanks for sticking with me through it all.

au revoir

xo

I

P.S. Please do not take or use these photos for any reason. They are not for use (personal or otherwise) by anyone but me.

Life Inbetween

So today we got the news we knew was coming but didn’t want to hear. The doctors have given my father 3 months. Well, 6 would be a miracle and at any point if he has another breathing issue.

I guess in some ways it’s easier knowing than him just not being alive one day, hit by a bus or heart attack or something shockingly sudden. It’s hard though, knowing basically when because we all know death is inevitable and it’s going to happen, but having that date on it is almost unbearable. And having to keep up a front because he doesn’t know is even more so.

So perhaps I should tell you what might kill him first? Infection, one of a few. Pneumonia, which he’s had 3 times since November. Or dehydration because he’s had more going out than coming in, though this is the least likely. The currently in a three way tie with infection and pneumonia is the main villain in it all, lung cancer. And somehow I thought he’d beat it too.

I say too because this is his third time technically. All the previous ones each time the doctors said his chances were bad. They were really small miracles at how he fought and recovered. The first took his right shoulder blade and the muscle around it. He almost died from blood loss after he came home when his wound opened. The second esophagus, the surgery taking his stomach with it because of complications. He almost died that time with the infection because they missed cleaning out all the tissue.

Then there was an initial spot on a lung that they got. And then in November of 2018 it came back. He had the first third of 2019 doing chemo because radiation wasn’t an option. And then it started going downhill. The feeling in his hands and feet went because of the chemo. It stopped working because he couldn’t move around to circulate it. And then the infections started. And last Wednesday it was really the beginning of the end.

He had a reaction to a new medication. He bottomed out, couldn’t breath and was beyond erratic. We couldn’t do anything to fix it and 911 to the hospital was the only option. And he’s been there dealing with all the fallout of it.

And now we deal with the fallout of it. Of knowing things we wish we didn’t have to know. Trying to hold our broken hearts together. Keeping it as normal as we can to keep the unfortunate truth from from the person who is carrying and battling enough already.

Please don’t go without saying things to the people in your life, one day it’s going to be too late.

Please forgive my absence in all my things. I’ll try to be around as much as I can for the next while.

au revoir

xo

I

It’s just…

It’s just exhausting, heartbreaking, time consuming, and so much more than I can put into words.

I had plans for 2020. The things the year has given me is not at all what I wanted. I had a visit from my bestie December and January but come the start of February they had to leave and go back home. And as always when they leave, it breaks my freaking heart.

I began the new year flat on my back, and not in the fun way, with my back injury flaring up. It was a long month and I’m still not fully back to my normal. I also somehow managed to get a sinus thing that won’t go away, which leaves me thinking sinusitis because the past few years have all been like this.

The big thing is my dad. His illness is beginning to literally eat him alive. I spend most of my day with him then go to deal with the house and yard work and of course making sure my mom is looked after through all of it. It is beyond anything he can fight and it’s the beginning of the end. It’s really difficult watching the man I’ve known my whole life as strong and someone nothing could get in his way be steamrolled by cancer. He’s fought 3 times and it might not even be the cancer that does it. It’s unfair to all of us losing him like this, and it’s beyond unfair to him to have to go like this.

So folks that is why I’ve been MIA. I’ll do what I can to keep up with things with you and for you. Thanks for sticking through this with me.

au revoir

xo

I

Best year start ever

…..not!

As you may have guessed this has not been the start to the year I was looking for ( to paraphrase a well known Star Wars line ).

My back injury flared up literally when I woke up January 1st!! How rude! As usual with no rhyme or reason. I’m just getting to the point where movement isn’t completely agonizing and nearly possible. It’s been way too long and I’m getting irritated at how much I’ve been kept from doing with it. I know I should be used to it, I mean it’s happened before, but every time I go through this. I’m super happy I didn’t lose the ability to walk, like I have twice before. Or that it seems to be passing in less than a month or two, which it’s taken that long before. I just hate leaving things and y’all in a lurch.

I look forward to sitting up and getting back into things. Of course I haven’t been completely empty handed. I’ve been working on ideas for the upcoming thing I mentioned but didn’t. I’ve also started 2 new Instagrams um.yeah.lol and thoughtsperations and their respective twitters um.yeah.lol and thoughtsperations . Why I’ve added to everything I’ll never be able to tell you but I do really enjoy it all.

I have so many ideas to get out in the shops and I’m so looking forward to seeing y’all in the streams as well. Thanks for being so patient!

au revoir

xo

I

And the Etsy shop is ….

open!

It’s currently 6 patterns as I type this but there will be more to come. Some will be designs I’ve created and used on my clothing and accessories. Some will be brand new just for the shop. It perhaps was not the best timing to launch but I tend to do things as they occur LOL.

I am allowing a production of no more than 50 by a sole maker because I know being a maker can get expensive. I hope you’ll let people know where you bought the pattern from so I can continue my making. Of course, no copying or selling of the pattern. I hope you’ll all enjoy them and do be sure to tag me so I can see all your hard work!

Back to the creating for me and wishes for a happy holidays to you all.

au revoir

xo

I

Magpie Muddles news

Exciting news for my Magpie Muddles brand….

I’ve decided to make use of my Etsy shop finally and offer my fellow makers #pdfcrosstitchpatterns from my exclusive designs that I use on my #clothing and #accessories !!!!! Thanks for your patience as I get the shop up and running!

Link is in my bio.

au revoir

xo

I

Let’s Chat

So, it’s been a bit since we last caught up. there’s been all matters of good, bad and otherwise.

As you might have read, if you’re following my social media, I finally got the chance to get on Merch by Amazon. It’s been what I thought might help but it came with a cost. I searched “magpie muddles” and saw my initial 3 items but also that one of my designs had been stolen. Not a great feeling you can imagine. I have taken it up with Amazon, but as of now they don’t seem to think I’ve given enough proof that I created the design in question and won’t do anything to the other seller. Let me make this very clear, I design for myself and only myself. My designs are never for purchase (maybe in the future I’ll change my mind and offer that but not now). I never was asked and even if I had been I’d of said no (see the reason preciously). Even if I buy a design that is for commercial use, I non’t just slap it on and say done, I always do something to make it mine. That’s part of the charm of really making something special. Like I love that people actually do create for someone to use their design and and just sell it but I really want everything to have my spark. So I find it truly gross that someone flat out stole a design I actually created and just used it as they wanted with no regard to the actual person who put the time and thought into it. I’ve no respect for anyone like that period.

I am because of all this making the move to have Raine of Iris as just a hub for info and redo the brands a bit. Magpie Muddles will become the graphic design hub now. It will have all the Magpie originals plus Kalamity Raine gaming designs and Parapopulous spookiness. Both Kalamity Raine and Parapopulous will continue as shope on their own because I know some people just want to shop brand specific and those also could have other endeavours that need to be freestanding. My OOAK handmade organic creations will fall to Betwixt Baubles. And the rest will remain as is. It’s a lot and I want to get it all right and keep it as simple as possible for everyone to find.

I have added another site for my photography, I think actually 2 in fact from the last time I sat here and told tales of things I’m up to. Perhaps I am spread thin but I do truly love all the things I do and it would be like picking a favourite child if you said I could only do one thing. Links are as always here on site (or on their way but in a post if time is very pressing or I’m ridiculously excited to share).

I’m looking for a way to search my works on Amazon.com easier but best way I can figure currently is to search “magpie muddles” in the quotes. By the way the coffee cup is not mine, that’s the stolen design. If you want a coffee cup or a travel mug, I’ve got lovely ones on my redbubble … please don’t support stolen merchandise designs.

Thanks for all your support! Honestly in times like these it’s lovely to have such a great community.

au revoir

xo

I

Forgot to mention…..

If you like the designs I have on redbubble I have a new shop that has so many other items from umbrellas to purses and so much more. Curious? Have a visit to my artsadd and see all the new possibilities! artsampleThere’s more designs coming here and DbH as well as brand new to redbubble.

And now off to create.

au revoir

xo

i

Apologies

So you may have noticed a disappearance. I’d planned a few things and my dads health took a turn and my attentions went with it. He is doing a little better but still having issues and it’s difficult to feel helpless to do anything I feel helps.

In other notes I do still have all that planned. I’m trying to find some kind of schedule or semi schedule. I really hate that any consistency I had has vanished but I hope you all understand the circumstances behind it.

For now, I’m going to try to squeeze in some graphics.

au revoir

xo

I

Something in the works

Something really beyond is in the works. It’s not likely to show up tomorrow or next week and it’s like nothing I’ve ever done before. Ok it’s kinda like something but not exactly.

I know, I know, enough with the crypticness. Where are my podcasts and streams and new designs? Why add something else?

I promise all those things are in the process of returning and being created. This new thing is something I’ve thought about for many years but at first couldn’t do because of outside things and then didn’t have enough faith in myself to attempt. I’m now at the point of IDGAF and if I look dumb well, at least you can’t say I didn’t try.

au revoir

xo

I